


Silent cry

by DrarryMalecSolangelo



Series: Sanders Sides One Shots [5]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Logan Angst, Sorry Not Sorry, because I felt like it, lost of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:47:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27428155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrarryMalecSolangelo/pseuds/DrarryMalecSolangelo
Summary: Logan wants to stop being ignored, he wants to be heard and taken into account. But, above all, he wants to be seen.
Series: Sanders Sides One Shots [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2011990
Comments: 17
Kudos: 106





	Silent cry

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: panic attacks, crying, cursing, self-worth issues, numbness and, well, being ignored

"It's gonna be okay, Virgil," Patton assured.

The former dark side covered his face with slightly shaky hands.

"You just need to breathe," Roman said as he rested a hand on Virgil's shoulder.

"I- I'm trying- I can't-"

Logan furrowed his eyebrows, deep in thought as he tried to bring back every piece of information about panic attacks that could be useful. He brightened up when he remembered something that was sure to help his friend.

"A study has proven that you need to focus on-"

But he never got to finish his sentence, as Roman turned to him with a scowl, silencing him with his eyes.

Patton also looked at him quickly, trying not to divert his attention for long. "Not now, kiddo."

"But-"

They both turned their backs towards the logical side and continued to comfort Virgil.

It had started happening a lot lately, but he still wasn’t quite used to the feeling of being ignored. It felt... weird, and not in a pleasant way. 

But it was alright; as much as he wanted to help, Logan understood he wasn't the best qualified for the job this time.

▪○○○▪

"Logic? Can you help me with this essay I'm trying to write for the viewers?" Thomas asked.

"Sure Thomas, what is it about?"

"Self-love! I'm trying to show everyone from an impartial and rational perspective that we're all unique and worthy of love."

"That sounds like a nice intention, Thomas; I will be glad to help," he said, making the other smile brightly.

"I was thinking that we could include the reasons why it's so important to give ourselves credit for what we accomplish," Thomas said. "Maybe start the draft by listing them off."

"That sounds… reasonable. May I suggest the experiment conducted by researchers from the University of Exeter and the University of Oxford?"

Thomas squinted. "What?"

"About the one hundred and thirty five students instructed to listen to an eleven-minute-long recording with different-"

"No," Thomas interrupted and shook his head as he thought, "I don't think people will read this if we bore them."

"Oh." Logan blinked. "Alright."

"What about the consequences of self-love? Do you have any interesting information about it?"

"Well, self-love can boost your happiness, as shown by the charity Action for Happiness with their experiment, in which self-acceptance ranked high within the 10 keys for-"

"You know?" Thomas cut Logan off. "I think I'll allow my essay to be more subjective. Maybe if it comes from me then it will still help. Thank you anyway."

Logan was left by Thomas with his mouth still open to give him the explanation. 

"Oh, sorry, I forgot to ask," Thomas said as he came back just a minute later. Logan smiled slightly and encouraged him to ask with a nod. "Have you seen Patton?"

His smile faded, but he didn't think Thomas was paying enough attention to notice.

"The probabilities of him being on his room at this precise hour of the day are high-"

"Okay, thanks."

Logan watched as Thomas left him again in his search for Patton. His chest felt heavy seeing how quick Thomas had been to dismiss his ideas and then look for someone better than him as quickly as he did.

But it was alright; as much as he wanted to help, Logan understood he wasn't the best option to ask for help when it came to this subject.

▪○○○▪

"Thomas, you know you need to get everything done-"

"Yeah, yeah, Logic, I know," he dismissed with a wave of his hand. "Roman, have you gotten anything?"

"Apart from an amazing song idea? No."

Ignoring the uncomfortable feeling on his chest, Logan tried again, "Thomas, there are deadlines, you need to get started. It's important for your health and career." 

"Oh, what is it about?" Thomas asked Princey, ignoring his duties.

"Thomas-"

"What if," Virgil started, shutting everyone up, "you don't finish what you need to do and your friends decide you're too bad of an influence for them so they start hating you?"

Thomas went silent for a second.

"Oh no, I have to do everything!"

Logan sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's what I've been trying to say all along."

"Lo?" Patton called quietly. "He said he was going to do them. Don't be so hard on him."

Logan looked down, frowning. He didn't get why everyone seemed so inclined to shut down everything he said.

But it was alright; as much as he wanted to help, Logan understood that, in between him and Virgil, he wasn't the one Thomas would ever pay attention to, and he got why.

▪○○○▪

"Hey!" Thomas greeted them all happily when they rose from the mind palace.

"Hi kiddo!" Patton waved enthusiastically.

"I called you guys to discuss the next video. Do any of you have an idea? Roman?"

"Let me think about it," the creative side said before bringing a hand to his chin as his usual theatrical self.

"Anyone else?" Thomas asked.

Virgil crossed his arms and shook his head. 

"Not me," Patton said sadly.

"Alright. Let's wait for Roman then."

"Actually," Logan piped in, "every video we've done so far has been inspired by unpredictable occurrences in your life. It would be reasonable to expect that to happen again."

"I don't know…"

There was a brief moment of silence, broken by Roman.

"I know!" he said. "We could play the violin!"

"But none of us plays the violin," Virgil pointed out.

"We don't  _ have _ a violin," Thomas said.

“No, but we could! Just listen to me!”

"Now, Roman,  _ violins’  _ never the solution!" Patton chuckled.

"Okay," Princey conceded with a sigh. "What about reacting to Tik Toks, then? People liked those."

"That's true; they liked them," Thomas said. 

"But, as Roman said, we've done that already. Many times." 

"But repeating isn't always so bad, kiddo," Patton told Virgil.

"But it is," Anxiety pointed out.

"He's got a point," Thomas admitted.

Roman frowned. "Then what? If neither of my ideas are enough, what next?"

“Oh, no Roman, I didn’t mean it like that!” Thomas was quick to fix his mistake. “I didn’t mean to say your ideas aren’t enough, it’s just that they’re probably not the best option for the series. We can definitely use them for side videos.”

Princey gave a little smile. “Alright, then. We should still think of something, though.”

Logan opened his mouth to speak again, to repeat his previous statement, but ultimately decided that it wasn’t worth it. They had heard him and decided it wasn’t a good idea; it would just be a waste of energy for him and time for them.

“What do we do, then?” Patton asked.

“Bold of you to assume we ever know what we’re doing," Virgil said sarcastically.

“Come on, don’t be like that, kiddo!”

“No, no,” Roman interrupted, “he has a point, again.”

“What do you mean?” Thomas tilted his head.

“We never know what we’re doing when we film, that’s what makes the videos so successful: they’re original and genuine!”

Thomas' eyes shone. “You’re right!” he said happily. “We shouldn’t plan, then!”

Logan closed his eyes as he felt a pang in his heart. It was a weird feeling, and he didn’t like it. He just wanted people to pay a little attention to him, was that too much to ask?

But it was alright; as much as he wanted to help, Logan was beginning to understand that maybe what he said wasn't worthy of being heard, and he got it.

▪●●●▪

"I'm not- I'm not feeling good, guys," Thomas admitted.

"What do you mean, kiddo?"

"Something's off. Something's... wrong."

Logan was the cause of that, but he wouldn't admit it yet. Maybe if he ignored it, it would go away.

"And what is it?" Princey asked in confusion. 

"It's- There's nothing wrong." Thomas frowned. He turned to the side who embodied his feelings. "Pat? Why am I feeling this way?"

Of course Thomas wouldn't turn to Logic to explain his feelings. It was reasonable, but it still stung a bit. Didn't they notice?

"Well, I don't know, kiddo. Feelings don't always make sense."

"But there's gotta be something!" He started pacing in frustration.

When he needed an answer, he always turned to Logic, even if he cut him halfway through. With growing anticipation, Logan waited until he was called. Maybe they'd finally notice, maybe things would change.

"Unexplainable feelings with no apparent reason? I'd say that's Virgil's territory," Roman commented.

"True!" Thomas said before turning towards said side.

"The problem is that you're miserable. Don't give me that look; you know you are. Now, focus on feeling better, not finding the cause. It's useless."

Logan shrunk in his place. Of course they wouldn't turn to him. Why would they? And how could Logic ever think they would?

But it was alright; as much as he wanted their attention, Logan understood he wasn't the best qualified to help with anything at all. Virgil was right; Thomas shouldn't worry about the cause and should instead fix the problem, and Logic would've only misled him. That was proof that there would always be someone better than him, and he understood it now.

▪○○○▪

Logan was sitting in the living room with a book in his hands when Thomas came down the stairs without looking up from his phone.

“Pat?” he called.

When there was no response, he looked up, meeting eyes with a silent Logan.

“Oh, Logic,” Thomas acknowledged the other. “Do you know where Patton is?

"I recollect he's helping Virgil with some cooking in the mind palace."

"Oh, so Virgil and Patton aren't available now." Thomas almost sounded disappointed. "Do you know where Roman is, then?"

"I- No. I don't know, sorry," Logan replied hesitantly. He decided to risk annoying him one last time, only to see if there was any hope left for him. "Do you require assistance with anything?"

Thomas shook his head for a bit before focusing back on his phone.

"I needed to ask someone's opinion, but I'll just have to wait until they're free."

Logan shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Maybe…?

"I could try to help," he began saying, only to find that Thomas had already put on his headphones and was walking up the stairs again.

The weight on Logan's chest made itself heavier. Had Thomas forgotten he could help? Or was it that his opinion held no value, even less next to Patton's, Virgil's or Roman's?

But it was alright; as much as he wanted to help, Logan understood he would never be the best option. He would never be the one anyone turned to for help, and he understood why.

▪○○○▪

"I'm bored and I'm still feeling like shit," Thomas said. "Roman, didn't you say earlier that you had a song idea?"

"I do."

"Then let's get started."

Thomas distracted himself for a while until he reached a verse in which he got stuck. He needed a specific word, but couldn't seem to find it.

"What word that can be used in this context rhymes with impression?" 

_ Regression _ , Logan thought instantly. He considered saying it out loud, but he didn't want to bother anyone. He resolved to wait until he was asked, that way he wouldn't be intruding.

Thomas immediately turned to Roman. "As my creativity, you're surely the one with more knowledge for this. Can you help me out?"

Logan lowered his head. Had he forgotten that  _ he  _ represented everything he had ever learned? Or was it just that he didn't care?

"Hm, I don't think I can find a word that fits the context."

_ Ask me. _

"What do we do now?"

_ Ask me. _

"I don't know. We can't just leave it here!"

Logan's eyes were a little wet by then.

_ Please, ask me. _

"We could look up a word on the Internet!" Princey exclaimed.

Logic sighed. He had forgotten just how replaceable he was.

How could he ever think he was deserving of being heard? No matter how much it pained him to admit it, he knew it was true.

But it was alright; as much as he wanted to help, Logan understood he wasn't worthy of being taken into account, and wishing for it was simply selfish. He didn't deserve attention at all, and he understood it.

▪○○○▪

"Breathe with me," Patton said, before proceeding to show the proper breathing pattern to calm a panic attack.

Logan tried to breathe in for four seconds, but he didn't accomplish it. His chest ached.

"It's gonna be okay. Just breathe," Roman said softly.

He tried again; this time he managed to breathe in for two seconds, but it still wasn't enough. 

Logan tried hard to get a steady breathing pattern, but the lack of oxygen, the desperation and the tears weren't allowing it.

Logic was  _ crying _ .

"Just like that, kiddo. You're doing amazing!"

He wasn't. Logan was trying, but he wasn't improving in any way. He- he couldn't control it. Everything was too much, and there were too many people around. They were too many, but none of them were actually there.

"See?" Roman said gently, "It's alright, Virge."

Because as much as Logan would love to pretend those words were directed to him, they weren't. He couldn't blame Virgil, though, not at all. He knew that.

He wasn't jealous, just… devoid of all hope.

Using every inch of willpower he could muster, Logan took his shaking hands to his cheeks and hastily wiped out the tears. More would surely stain his cheeks again, but he just needed a couple of seconds, because Roman and Patton were turning towards him.

"Logic? Why didn't you help Vee?"

Logan opened his mouth but couldn't find the strength to answer. He needed to calm down.

"Lo," Patton said with a slight frown of disappointment, "Virgil needed you."

Logan's eyes were a little too wide, glassy, too, but they didn't seem to notice.

He closed his hands in fists. Otherwise, the other two sides would notice just how bad they were shaking.

"I- I-"

"Don't apologize," Roman said as he looked down with a scowl. "Just make sure it doesn't happen again. Panic attacks shouldn't be ignored or taken lightly, and you're not helping."

_ I need you. _

He wanted to say it, so, so badly. But he couldn't. He wanted to apologize for not being able to be there for Virgil, and he wished he could ask for help for himself, but his ongoing panic attack blocked everything for him and left him a shaky, crying mess. 

He wanted to explain why he couldn't help, and maybe even bring up that when he had actually tried, he had been ignored, but he didn't think they would listen even if he were able to get a word out.

But it was alright; as much as he wanted help, Logan understood he wasn't worthy of being heard. Nothing coming out of his mouth, even less pathetic excuses, would ever be worth anyone's time, and he understood that.

▪●●●▪

Logan stared at the wall of his room, silent tears making their way down both his cheeks. He hadn't managed to stop crying even after the panic attack had subdued. He was exhausted; his eyes were closing on their own accord but Logan still couldn't find the peace of mind needed to rest.

His thoughts swirled inside his mind, like a tornado rampaging everything in its path without any way of controlling it.

Logic wasn't one for metaphors, but it sure felt that way.

But could he be blamed? How could he sleep if the second he closed his eyes he remembered Roman's cynically genuine smile when he had sang about him being a joke to them? And Patton's disappointed eyes after failing to help Virgil? And Virgil's tone when he had said he'd prohibit his breathing? And Thomas' guilt-free expression when he set aside all his contributions?

But it wasn't their fault. After all, he had told them he had no emotions, that he didn't care for sentiment. Maybe, when he had said it, he had been trying to convince himself.

Logic wasn't sure about anything anymore.

_ Knock knock knock _

"Logic!" That was Virgil's voice.

_ Knock knock knock _

"We're about to film the next video. We need you to come out."

Had this happened a couple of days ago, he would've been surprised and maybe even excited that the others had remembered about his existence at all. 

But now? Logic just stared blankly ahead. He was numb- empty.

"I'm coming in!"

The door opened three seconds later. Virgil looked around, failing to spot the logical side sat limply on the floor.

"Logic?"

But then Virgil spotted him. And, for the first time in a long while, he actually  _ saw _ him.

“Logan!” 

The owner of the room tiredly looked up, meeting Virgil's eyes but not quite. His eyes just wouldn't focus, and he was beyond the point of trying.

"Are you okay?"

Logic kept staring blankly, no emotion whatsoever in his face. Perhaps seeing his eyes without emotions for real and realizing the contrast with before was what made the situation click on Virgil's head.

"Oh shit. Oh, no, no, no-" He paced, looking around frantically and wishing- hoping without expecting- that Logic would look at him and start sprouting useless but interesting facts the way no one else could. But, above all, he wished that emotion would return to Logic's eyes.

"Patton, Roman!" Virgil called. They needed to fix this.

"Yeah, kiddo? Do you need help?" Patton asked happily as he entered the room next to Princey. He then saw the panicked expression marking his features, and his emotions mimicked his once he saw what had Virgil so horrified.

"Lo!"

But Logic was unresponsive. Everything looked like a blur, and it was so overwhelming that he was completely numb. He couldn't do anything to help himself and he frankly didn't think he deserved it.

Roman, with matching wide eyes, took a hesitant step forward. "Logan?"

They collectively held their breaths in anticipation.

Silence.

Patton let out a small sob. 

"We fucked up," Virgil said as he started pacing again. "We fucked up big time. Logan, I'm so, so sorry."

"We all are!" Patton exclaimed in a desperate attempt to get his point across. He really meant it.

Roman spoke, "We- I shouldn't have treated you the way I did, Logan. I didn't realize, not until now- I'm sorry."

But there was, once again, no answer, just a pair of emotionless eyes boring into theirs with seemingly no consciousness behind them.

Logan was simply too far gone.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think I've ever actually written angst before but... here! lol this was fun


End file.
